message 3, right after I hate you so much you ruin everything you touch every time you say something is important to you you break it and you make promises you don't want to keep and YOU DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU HURT OTHERS do you DO YOU?! I hear it over and over again it's all I see and you don't even look sorry you're just laughing
Is this what you wanted all along? Is this how you punish me?
I hate you Wei Wuxian I wish I had killed you when I had the chance
( there's no reply, at least not in text. it may seem like he's driven wei wuxian away, but they both know better than that.
less than a minute later, jiang cheng will hear his front door open and close, footsteps inside. )Jiang Cheng, ( he barks, striding across the room and to the nearest door - empty room with no signs of life. undeterred, wei wuxian moves to the next door, pushing it open and for the briefest moment stopping short.
the jiang cheng on the floor before him is perhaps what he should have expected from a message like that, but it's still a punch in the center of his chest, and it takes the entirety of his willpower to keep his next exhale steady as he steps inside, dropping to his knees in front of the man who was once his brother (though he leaves a few extra inches of space out of feeble respect for his offer to leave a-cheng be). )
I know, I know - ( he says before jiang cheng can properly figure out how to yell at him. ) This is all my fault, yeah? Which means I'm the one who has to fix it, has to make it stop. I owe you that much.
( as he speaks, he's drawing a knife from his robes which he now offers up handle-first to jiang cheng. please, a-cheng, don't make him put it in your stupid hand by force.
once he's handed off the knife, he traces a line down the inside of each forearm with a fingertip. ) If you cut me - here and then here, it should be enough. Or you can-... ( his lips press together a moment, brow knitting even further for a moment than the focused expression he's had so far. but then it's back to his resolute determination, and - ) Or you can stab me, if you really want. It sounds like I owe you that too, you just... Need to make sure it's bloody enough. Twist it a little, I don't know. ( for what it's worth, he's still offering out his arms in potentially naive belief that jiang cheng wouldn't actually kill him, no matter how angry. )
[ Jiang Cheng had known he wouldn't be able to drive Wei Wuxian away this easily - he only left when Jiang Cheng wanted him to stay. Yet he had hoped for a miracle, just this once.
He sure needs a miracle on this night; he can't even tell anymore how many nights it has been now since the rot passed and the voices began whispering to him, by now it is all a blur in his memory. It's always worst at night, by day it is easier to shove them aside and pretend, to look strong for Jiejie, but by night the voices whispering become too loud to pretend he can't hear them and his mind fills with memories which never happened - or so he thinks anyway, maybe. It's getting ever harder to tell apart true and false.
He glares at Wei Wuxian now with eyes red from tears and lack of sleep, squinting as he struggles against the darkness encroaching more with every passing day to aim his glare. His face is waxen, tear-streaked and yet nothing compared to the messy state he rest of him is in. He is cowering on the floor of his bedroom in the farthest corner when Wei Wuxian comes in, a hand pressed against his mouth to keep himself from screaming when it all gets too much again. His exposed arms are crisscrossed with cuts, some several days old and others from tonight, dried and drying blood coats them. Splatches of red on his robes betray that this isn't the only place he has cut himself, though it has been his choice to bleed from tonight when he needs to keep cutting for the dark whispers have become so strong, he can barely endure it for any length of time before he is reaching for a blade again. A blood-streaked Sandu lays on the floor, obviously thrown away in a fit of frustrated anger.
He stares at Wei Wuxian now, bares his teeth at him when he approaches and forces the knife on him, tells him what to do as if he has any right to, as if he still cares, as if he... ]
Don't! [ he snarls, only the fear of Yanli walking in to this keeping his voice low. ] I don't want you here! [ His fingers tighten around the knife anyway but not to bleed Wei Wuxian properly as he is offering oh so generously, as if some blood could buy forgiveness, as if that would change anything. His hand swipes for Wei Wuxian in a wide arc but it's not the blade that connects with Wei Wuxian's offered body, instead, Zidian lights up at his hand and the purple whip streaks out to meet his chest. ]
[ His voice is curt, to the poin, and yet even in such few words he can't manage to hide how worn down he is from this fruitless search, body and soul both.
Should have stuck to texting, that's safer. But he'd needed to hear Wei Wuxian's voice. ]
( the line is conspicuously silent for a long moment, though perhaps if he's perceptive jiang cheng might hear a bracing inhale. then, )
Not yet. ( where the other man's voice was curt, wei ying's is grudging, frustrated in a way that he can't quite mask as well as he'd like. ) But we will. Maybe we just missed her. ( which doesn't explain why she isn't answering her phone, or calling back to him when wei ying ran calling through the woods. but the alternative is to consider that she's gone like the others, and he's not prepared for that. )
[ In return, there is a sharp inhale by Jiang Cheng, then long silence.
This is not what he had wanted to hear, and to hear Wei Wuxian so... so frayed at the edges only adds to the knot of anxiety in his belly.
Wei Wuxian is the most fearless person he knows. For him to be scared it's got to be bad. ]
We must. She can't be gone. I can't... [ I can't lose her again he wants to say but Wei Wuxian doesn't know that. ] I can't have failed to protect her.
( little does jiang cheng realize that wei ying is as afraid of failing him again as he is of losing his shijie. )
She isn't gone, ( he insists, perhaps a bit too sharply. ) She isn't. I'll check the woods again - better this time. And then-... ( a swallow, and a firm, ) We'll find her.
[ For once, the sharpness in Wei Wuxian's voice doesn't make Jiang Cheng bristle in indignation at a perceived slight or rebuke. No, he takes strength from it, conviction even, and straightens a little.
Even with everything that has happened, it is far too tempting to let yourself get caught up in Wei Wuxian's determination, and he is so desperate for hope... ]
We will. I'll check the woods, too. I'll check everywhere. Maybe we just have to keep looking, we might have missed her, or maybe new clues will appear which permit us to find her. If she's somewhere out there, then she will be trying to return to us, too.
I can't decide if you're reviving a dead person, if you know a dead person and they've been wounded, or if you are a dead person and you're figuring out your options.
❰ it has been a long week, and jiang yanli has received a taste of her own medicine. this is what her brothers felt -- even if you know someone is returning from the dead, it hurts just the same to know they aren't there, and that they may have suffered. at least she knew beforehand, in this case, a cryptic message she had no idea how to respond to except to fall to pieces. it's not as if she's made great strides to personally keep her family safe, but it's as if all the hope she could feel in her body for it was wasted space.
it wasn't until after she returned she knew just how many days she'd been gone. waking up in the forest, it felt like both an eternity but also a blink, and for all she knew at the time? it could have been. she has no idea how things consistently work in this strange land, but all she's had it in her to do is lay in her room and watch as the numbers on the face of her phone change. it's so early in the morning that the sun hasn't yet come out, but it's then that it hits her that maybe her brother is breathing again, somewhere. ❱
( he assumes it's sizhui again. the boy is certainly the sort to earnestly, nervously follow up even after a conversation has so clearly been left to lie, and he opens his phone without thinking, not even thinking to check the sender until he sees 'a-xian'.
when he does, all the air leaves his lungs as fiercely as if he's been punched. cognitively, he knew she was here - that he could even see her, if he simply went back to the cabins - but part of him hadn't quite been able to reconcile that reality. as if it was a dream which would fade away now that he knows the potential untruth of it.
the rest of him, meanwhile, simply hadn't had it in him to face her. not until he could pull himself together - all the way, not just halfway, because otherwise the second they made contact he'd just - )
❰ the words aren't even read, let alone comprehended. when she sees there is a response, yanli privately falls to pieces. their rooms are somewhat far apart, but she puts a hand to her mouth and sobs quietly to herself, relief hitting her as well as the true reality of the situation that had just occurred. he'd told her himself, but now it feels so much more weighted. wei wuxian had died out there, likely alone. maybe even by his own hand or decision. she has no idea, but it hurts her all the same.
it's a good half hour before she can wipe away enough tears to read and understand what has been sent to her. ❱
❰ a panic rises in her chest before she puts the phone down and breathes deeply for a few moments. before, it was vague enough to not be about his past memories. what a fool she was. maybe her brother is talking about another incident, but that's also foolish to think. she has to decide whether or not she can let this particular cat out of the bag. letting it out might destroy her all over again. ❱
a-xian. you know that as your elder sister, i promised i would never truly leave you and that i would always take care of you.
how can you ask me why i was there when there was no other place in that moment i should have been?
[ There is a delivery of food outside of the door when they come back one day mid-October, packed in a crate full of jars and wrapped foods. On the top is a note: ]
To kindly resident of the Lake,
For your winter stores, I have prepared this food for you to keep before the snows come. Whilst we have a glut of food at present, it is best to keep this in the case that should we be trapped inside your house, you can rely on this food to help you see through until the thaw frees any blocked roads back to town.
I hope you find it suitable and that it keeps you well.
In Health and to your Good Will, Gilia St. Loe, Second Child, Daughter-Sea, Of the Isle St. Loe, She Who Sings the Sea to Prosperity
[ The package includes:
5 x 1kg bags of Salt
5 x 1kg bags of Sugar
30 x 1kg bags of Flour
3 x 280g Yeast
30 x 1ltr jars of Butter
10 x Jar of Pickled Cabbage
10 x Jar of Pickled Tomatoes
10 x Jar of Jam Fruit Preserves ( Assorted: Strawberry, Blueberry, etc )
10 x 1kg sides of salted meat ( pork, lamb, beef )
5 x Jars of Dried Rosemary, Thyme, Basil, Coriander, Dill
20 x Pancake Mix
10 x Cake Mix
1 x 2kg Flax Seed ( + recipe how to use it for cakes to replace eggs )
1 x Recipie for How To Make Bread, 1 x Recipie for How To Long Stew Dried Meat
There's a task which will take me to the mountains and I'm not sure if I'll make it back tonight. I've never been gone overnight before, Jiejie might worry. Keep an eye on her for me or I'll break your legs.
I'm leaving my dog behind since I'm going on Sandu, don't scream when you see her, you'll damage her hearing with your screeching.
( oh. oh, this is-... jiang cheng's checking in with him before he goes somewhere. it's probably not as big a deal as it feels. and yet wei ying is heartened by it, enough that his stupid brain and his stupid fingers send - )
By yourself?
I could come with you.
( ...gods, why did he send that? hastily: )That was stupid. You don't want me coming along. Something something too loud, pain in the ass, ruin the whole trip - I'll check in on Shijie, don't you worry.
[ Oh. He had... not expected this. It honestly hadn't occurred to him that Wei Wuxian could offer to come with him, that he would want to.
He chews on his bottom lip as he tries to figure out a reply - wishing now that he hadn't contacted him at all since he can't accept but doesn't want to rebuff him either. ]
I have to do this by myself. I need to show my sincerity to someone I have wronged. Even if I STILL think I was right. But that isn't the point.
( hold on - did he just read that jiang cheng is actually... deliberately and sincerely attempting to make amends with someone? someone who isn't shijie? it's nearly enough for wei ying to accuse him of being some sort of imposter, but he's keenly aware of what happens when you punish people in such a way for doing good things.
instead, )Am I not? I suppose I have been a bit tired. Don't you worry, I'll be back up to proper incessance again in no time.
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message 1
I hate you
message 2, sent right after
Why?
message 3, right after
I hate you so much you ruin everything you touch every time you say something is important to you you break it and you make promises you don't want to keep and YOU DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU HURT OTHERS do you DO YOU?! I hear it over and over again it's all I see and you don't even look sorry you're just laughing
Is this what you wanted all along? Is this how you punish me?
I hate you Wei Wuxian I wish I had killed you when I had the chance
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but then comes the second, and then comes the rest. this isn't-...
jiang cheng has been angry with him before, furious even. that doesn't sound like this. this is something else entirely. )
Are you at the house?
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less than a minute later, jiang cheng will hear his front door open and close, footsteps inside. ) Jiang Cheng, ( he barks, striding across the room and to the nearest door - empty room with no signs of life. undeterred, wei wuxian moves to the next door, pushing it open and for the briefest moment stopping short.
the jiang cheng on the floor before him is perhaps what he should have expected from a message like that, but it's still a punch in the center of his chest, and it takes the entirety of his willpower to keep his next exhale steady as he steps inside, dropping to his knees in front of the man who was once his brother (though he leaves a few extra inches of space out of feeble respect for his offer to leave a-cheng be). )
I know, I know - ( he says before jiang cheng can properly figure out how to yell at him. ) This is all my fault, yeah? Which means I'm the one who has to fix it, has to make it stop. I owe you that much.
( as he speaks, he's drawing a knife from his robes which he now offers up handle-first to jiang cheng. please, a-cheng, don't make him put it in your stupid hand by force.
once he's handed off the knife, he traces a line down the inside of each forearm with a fingertip. ) If you cut me - here and then here, it should be enough. Or you can-... ( his lips press together a moment, brow knitting even further for a moment than the focused expression he's had so far. but then it's back to his resolute determination, and - ) Or you can stab me, if you really want. It sounds like I owe you that too, you just... Need to make sure it's bloody enough. Twist it a little, I don't know. ( for what it's worth, he's still offering out his arms in potentially naive belief that jiang cheng wouldn't actually kill him, no matter how angry. )
cw: blood, self-harm
He sure needs a miracle on this night; he can't even tell anymore how many nights it has been now since the rot passed and the voices began whispering to him, by now it is all a blur in his memory. It's always worst at night, by day it is easier to shove them aside and pretend, to look strong for Jiejie, but by night the voices whispering become too loud to pretend he can't hear them and his mind fills with memories which never happened - or so he thinks anyway, maybe. It's getting ever harder to tell apart true and false.
He glares at Wei Wuxian now with eyes red from tears and lack of sleep, squinting as he struggles against the darkness encroaching more with every passing day to aim his glare. His face is waxen, tear-streaked and yet nothing compared to the messy state he rest of him is in. He is cowering on the floor of his bedroom in the farthest corner when Wei Wuxian comes in, a hand pressed against his mouth to keep himself from screaming when it all gets too much again. His exposed arms are crisscrossed with cuts, some several days old and others from tonight, dried and drying blood coats them. Splatches of red on his robes betray that this isn't the only place he has cut himself, though it has been his choice to bleed from tonight when he needs to keep cutting for the dark whispers have become so strong, he can barely endure it for any length of time before he is reaching for a blade again. A blood-streaked Sandu lays on the floor, obviously thrown away in a fit of frustrated anger.
He stares at Wei Wuxian now, bares his teeth at him when he approaches and forces the knife on him, tells him what to do as if he has any right to, as if he still cares, as if he... ]
Don't! [ he snarls, only the fear of Yanli walking in to this keeping his voice low. ] I don't want you here! [ His fingers tighten around the knife anyway but not to bleed Wei Wuxian properly as he is offering oh so generously, as if some blood could buy forgiveness, as if that would change anything. His hand swipes for Wei Wuxian in a wide arc but it's not the blade that connects with Wei Wuxian's offered body, instead, Zidian lights up at his hand and the purple whip streaks out to meet his chest. ]
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if anyone's thread-stalking, cw: semi-self-mutilation??
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August 28th, audio
[ His voice is curt, to the poin, and yet even in such few words he can't manage to hide how worn down he is from this fruitless search, body and soul both.
Should have stuck to texting, that's safer. But he'd needed to hear Wei Wuxian's voice. ]
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Not yet. ( where the other man's voice was curt, wei ying's is grudging, frustrated in a way that he can't quite mask as well as he'd like. ) But we will. Maybe we just missed her. ( which doesn't explain why she isn't answering her phone, or calling back to him when wei ying ran calling through the woods. but the alternative is to consider that she's gone like the others, and he's not prepared for that. )
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This is not what he had wanted to hear, and to hear Wei Wuxian so... so frayed at the edges only adds to the knot of anxiety in his belly.
Wei Wuxian is the most fearless person he knows. For him to be scared it's got to be bad. ]
We must. She can't be gone. I can't... [ I can't lose her again he wants to say but Wei Wuxian doesn't know that. ] I can't have failed to protect her.
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She isn't gone, ( he insists, perhaps a bit too sharply. ) She isn't. I'll check the woods again - better this time. And then-... ( a swallow, and a firm, ) We'll find her.
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Even with everything that has happened, it is far too tempting to let yourself get caught up in Wei Wuxian's determination, and he is so desperate for hope... ]
We will. I'll check the woods, too. I'll check everywhere. Maybe we just have to keep looking, we might have missed her, or maybe new clues will appear which permit us to find her. If she's somewhere out there, then she will be trying to return to us, too.
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text, a day or so after the lake events
healing magic bullshit works work on
dead people?
whatever her shitty network ID is, he's ignoring it
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do u know or not!
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( 10/03 ) un: jiangyanli
it wasn't until after she returned she knew just how many days she'd been gone. waking up in the forest, it felt like both an eternity but also a blink, and for all she knew at the time? it could have been. she has no idea how things consistently work in this strange land, but all she's had it in her to do is lay in her room and watch as the numbers on the face of her phone change. it's so early in the morning that the sun hasn't yet come out, but it's then that it hits her that maybe her brother is breathing again, somewhere. ❱
a-xian, please tell me you are alive.
un: wei.wuxian
when he does, all the air leaves his lungs as fiercely as if he's been punched. cognitively, he knew she was here - that he could even see her, if he simply went back to the cabins - but part of him hadn't quite been able to reconcile that reality. as if it was a dream which would fade away now that he knows the potential untruth of it.
the rest of him, meanwhile, simply hadn't had it in him to face her. not until he could pull himself together - all the way, not just halfway, because otherwise the second they made contact he'd just - )
shijie i'msorry i'm so ssorry
i ruined everything
nobody was supoosedto die
( - break down entirely. )
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it's a good half hour before she can wipe away enough tears to read and understand what has been sent to her. ❱
it's you, a-xian
you weren't supposed to
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i was the only one who was
why were you there?? why did you even come, why did you have to be there
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a-xian. you know that as your elder sister, i promised i would never truly leave you and that i would always take care of you.
how can you ask me why i was there when there was no other place in that moment i should have been?
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○ MID OCT
[ The package includes:
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There's a task which will take me to the mountains and I'm not sure if I'll make it back tonight. I've never been gone overnight before, Jiejie might worry. Keep an eye on her for me or I'll break your legs.
I'm leaving my dog behind since I'm going on Sandu, don't scream when you see her, you'll damage her hearing with your screeching.
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By yourself?
I could come with you.
( ...gods, why did he send that? hastily: ) That was stupid. You don't want me coming along. Something something too loud, pain in the ass, ruin the whole trip - I'll check in on Shijie, don't you worry.
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He chews on his bottom lip as he tries to figure out a reply - wishing now that he hadn't contacted him at all since he can't accept but doesn't want to rebuff him either. ]
I have to do this by myself. I need to show my sincerity to someone I have wronged. Even if I STILL think I was right. But that isn't the point.
You're not too loud.
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instead, ) Am I not? I suppose I have been a bit tired. Don't you worry, I'll be back up to proper incessance again in no time.
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