message 3, right after I hate you so much you ruin everything you touch every time you say something is important to you you break it and you make promises you don't want to keep and YOU DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU HURT OTHERS do you DO YOU?! I hear it over and over again it's all I see and you don't even look sorry you're just laughing
Is this what you wanted all along? Is this how you punish me?
I hate you Wei Wuxian I wish I had killed you when I had the chance
( there's no reply, at least not in text. it may seem like he's driven wei wuxian away, but they both know better than that.
less than a minute later, jiang cheng will hear his front door open and close, footsteps inside. )Jiang Cheng, ( he barks, striding across the room and to the nearest door - empty room with no signs of life. undeterred, wei wuxian moves to the next door, pushing it open and for the briefest moment stopping short.
the jiang cheng on the floor before him is perhaps what he should have expected from a message like that, but it's still a punch in the center of his chest, and it takes the entirety of his willpower to keep his next exhale steady as he steps inside, dropping to his knees in front of the man who was once his brother (though he leaves a few extra inches of space out of feeble respect for his offer to leave a-cheng be). )
I know, I know - ( he says before jiang cheng can properly figure out how to yell at him. ) This is all my fault, yeah? Which means I'm the one who has to fix it, has to make it stop. I owe you that much.
( as he speaks, he's drawing a knife from his robes which he now offers up handle-first to jiang cheng. please, a-cheng, don't make him put it in your stupid hand by force.
once he's handed off the knife, he traces a line down the inside of each forearm with a fingertip. ) If you cut me - here and then here, it should be enough. Or you can-... ( his lips press together a moment, brow knitting even further for a moment than the focused expression he's had so far. but then it's back to his resolute determination, and - ) Or you can stab me, if you really want. It sounds like I owe you that too, you just... Need to make sure it's bloody enough. Twist it a little, I don't know. ( for what it's worth, he's still offering out his arms in potentially naive belief that jiang cheng wouldn't actually kill him, no matter how angry. )
[ Jiang Cheng had known he wouldn't be able to drive Wei Wuxian away this easily - he only left when Jiang Cheng wanted him to stay. Yet he had hoped for a miracle, just this once.
He sure needs a miracle on this night; he can't even tell anymore how many nights it has been now since the rot passed and the voices began whispering to him, by now it is all a blur in his memory. It's always worst at night, by day it is easier to shove them aside and pretend, to look strong for Jiejie, but by night the voices whispering become too loud to pretend he can't hear them and his mind fills with memories which never happened - or so he thinks anyway, maybe. It's getting ever harder to tell apart true and false.
He glares at Wei Wuxian now with eyes red from tears and lack of sleep, squinting as he struggles against the darkness encroaching more with every passing day to aim his glare. His face is waxen, tear-streaked and yet nothing compared to the messy state he rest of him is in. He is cowering on the floor of his bedroom in the farthest corner when Wei Wuxian comes in, a hand pressed against his mouth to keep himself from screaming when it all gets too much again. His exposed arms are crisscrossed with cuts, some several days old and others from tonight, dried and drying blood coats them. Splatches of red on his robes betray that this isn't the only place he has cut himself, though it has been his choice to bleed from tonight when he needs to keep cutting for the dark whispers have become so strong, he can barely endure it for any length of time before he is reaching for a blade again. A blood-streaked Sandu lays on the floor, obviously thrown away in a fit of frustrated anger.
He stares at Wei Wuxian now, bares his teeth at him when he approaches and forces the knife on him, tells him what to do as if he has any right to, as if he still cares, as if he... ]
Don't! [ he snarls, only the fear of Yanli walking in to this keeping his voice low. ] I don't want you here! [ His fingers tighten around the knife anyway but not to bleed Wei Wuxian properly as he is offering oh so generously, as if some blood could buy forgiveness, as if that would change anything. His hand swipes for Wei Wuxian in a wide arc but it's not the blade that connects with Wei Wuxian's offered body, instead, Zidian lights up at his hand and the purple whip streaks out to meet his chest. ]
( jiang cheng doesn't get it, does he? forgiveness is irrelevant. wei wuxian may not even deserve it - in fact, he's operating under the simpler assumption that he doesn't. but jiang cheng doesn't have to suffer right now just because wei wuxian is incorrigible. this thing that wei ying does or fails to do, the thing that has taken them from distant former brothers to the barren and vicious land beyond beyond being strangers, it has already hurt a-cheng once. it doesn't need to keep doing so again and again just because he thinks he somehow owes wei ying some kind of mercy if he so much as considers accepting his aid.
the snarling, he expects. the knife he even expects, but what comes instead is zidian and it sends him tumbling back across the floor, knocking the breath from his lungs for the second time in as many minutes. jiang cheng should be able to feel at least the slightest relief in the chaos in his head that comes along with the act of drawing blood. but wei wuxian is back upright in an impressively short amount of time, hands feeling at the front of his robes to find brand new slices in the fabric, blood welling up along the edges. he neither flinched from the initial strike nor now from prodding the wounds, uncharacteristic of him and perhaps a sign that something might not be entirely right with him either, were jiang cheng in a state to care about such things. he probably isn't, which is better, really.
it'll be much harder to convince jiang cheng to wound him if he knows that wei wuxian won't even feel it.
but the blood isn't nearly what it could have been - it's not even quite as bloody as when he was whipped by madam yu, and he had his golden core then. his hand falls away from the wound, landing on the floor to scoot him back in front of jiang cheng and thrust out his arm again. ) That's not enough. You know it's not. You regret not killing me and now you won't even cut me? Jiang Cheng.
You think I wouldn't whip you again?! [ he snarls, downright baring his teeth at Wei Wuxian when he approaches once again, undeterred even by Zidian's lash. No, he hadn't put as much power into the whiplash as he could have but even now, there's still a part of him that shies away from doing harm to Wei Wuxian - the same weakness that had made him divert his stab into the stone when he should have stabbed Wei Ying, up there on that cliff. When he hadn't been able to take revenge right after Yanli died in his arms, how could he be expected to do it now?
Still weak whispers the voice that sounds so much like an even more malevolent, hissing, twisted version of that Wei Wuxian who had come to kill them all at Nightless City. It laughs and that laugh too reminds him of Wei Wuxian - it had been the laughter that first led him to make the connection, though this voice gave voice to so many fears Jiang Cheng himself had.
He forces his eyes wide open, forces himself to make out Wei Wuxian in the darkness lit only by Zidian's purple light, its length now on the floor. Not that dark or light makes much difference now and if his eyesight keeps worsening, soon it won't make any difference at all. Jiang Cheng shakes his head and wraps his arms around his legs, drawn close to his chest. ] Just go away. Leave me. It's what you do best.
( oh, he knows that jiang cheng would whip him again. he also knows that unless quite a bit more power goes into it, another strike from zidian wouldn't be enough to make this stop for a-cheng - just enough to quiet it down for a bit. a bandage over that which needs to be stitched.
and he's nonetheless braced for that very thing: a follow-up strike, this one no doubt breaking bones (he's lucky the first one didn't, it's not a weapon meant to be used on one without a golden core). but instead, jiang cheng curls in on himself. tries again to drive wei wuxian away, but it sounds that little bit more like pleading now and wei wuxian only scoots the slightest bit closer. )
I never wanted to do that. ( ...those weren't the words he meant to say. this isn't about him, and he can't let himself get sucked into fighting about this when what really needs to happen is jiang cheng properly making him bleed. and yet, ) I-... People were going to die, people who hadn't hurt anyone in their lives. I'm not more important than their lives. What I want isn't more important than their lives. ( he shakes his head a little. ) And I-, I don't know what it is that I do once I go back there, the thing that made you hate me, but I haven't done it yet. I haven't. And you can hate me for it any other time, I don't care, I deserve that, but -
( fuck - his throat's closing up a little, eyes burning. they wouldn't be if he could stand to look away, if he didn't have to see what a bloody miserable mess has become of the man who was once his brother, but his gaze nonetheless stays trained on the man huddled before him.
shaky hands lift, fingertips finding jiang cheng's arms with the lightest of touch. )
I have to fix this. ( his voice is different now - despite his best efforts, it's quieter, more raw, more vulnerable. ) A-Cheng, please, I can't leave you like this. I can't, I have to - ( his throat closes around the words, and he swallows hard, shaking his head almost helplessly. pleading, at barely above a whisper: ) I haven't even done it yet.
And you think that matters?! [ he snaps right back, finding the strength to glower at Wei Wuxian even though he doesn't have a proper fit of fury within him right now. He laughs harshly, fingers clawing down his face, leaving the faintest of trails of blood in their wake and he hisses in relief at even that tiny little bit that the screaming is lessened in the wake of these droplets of blood. His eyes focus on Wei Wuxian again. ] You think it matters what you have done or what you haven't done?
[ What exactly has he done? Jiang Cheng remembers - but Jiang Cheng remembers so many things now and it is getting harder to figure out which one of these is real the more versions of each tragedy are haunting him. Wei Wuxian has cost him everything, this is the one truth that always remains. It is always a figure in black, swathed in dark smoke surrounding him like something that has come alive with a mind of its own, that brings death.
Jiang Cheng shakes his head. A bitter laugh bubbles up in him. ] You have always cared for everyone. Wei Wuxian, the fearless hero. He is so selfless. He protects every stranger. [ His lips curl into a sneer and as he thinks of this, the screaming in his head grows louder, darker, and anger bubbles up so strong that he feels like he is going to choke on it. ] He even protects his enemies. And yet he leaves his loved ones to die. [ A flash of memory - real? false? he can't tell anymore - of the man in black laughing as bodies are piled up in Lotus Pier, he is standing on the roof and laughing as he looks down on it, laughing in the moment that Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan are killed... In his room at the boathouse, Jiang Cheng snarls and Zidian crackles at his finger. ] You laughed when my parents died! You were laughing as they were stabbed! Spitting on their corpses! You always hated my mother! You were glad to see her die, weren't you! Confess it! Confess it, I can see it now!
( this is-... it's so much worse than he thought it was, whatever is going on inside jiang cheng's head. and wei wuxian has to pause, has to close his eyes and take a breath, because there's so much more pleading at the tip of his tongue, enough that it's backed up down his throat and filling his lungs, and it's just barely chaotic enough to draw his attention back to the similar chaos of sharp-clawed presences at the edges of his own mind, held carefully at bay by years of practice with much less impotent spirits.
no - he can't pay them any attention. it's something he and the voices have in common: pay them even an ounce of attention and you'll never hear the end of it.
when he opens his eyes again, he finds that the breath has indeed chased the desperate pleading away, though he feels it lingering just below the surface. it nonetheless leaves him room to say, ) Jiang Cheng. ( quiet, firm, hopefully steadying. ) I was with you when they died, you and Shijie. We were tied with Zidian, floating down the lake - you need to remember. ( not for wei wuxian's sake, but for his own. for the sake of his sanity at this point, even just in this moment. ) By the time we got free, you and I went back and we-... They were already-... ( dead. they were already dead. it feels callous to even say it, when the man before him is so raw about it, so he leaves it unsaid. ) And... then you took off into the woods, and I chased after you. We argued, cried, ended up sleeping out there in a field.
( as for madam yu, his brow furrows a moment, because - ) Madam Yu... hated me. I'm not going to pretend she didn't. But she loved you, you and Shijie, in her own pissed-off way - she loved you enough to tear down mountains if they got in your way. And so did I, so I always kind of thought to myself that we were on the same team, even if she never realized it. And even though she blamed me for everything, all of it, she still trusted me to protect you. And I-, I haven't done that, not like I should have. Everything's so complicated now.
( they never talked about madam yu, did they? of course they didn't. they never talked about anything, not really. not like they should have. it's so easy to see, in retrospect.
his voice drops quieter. ) I hear them, too. Feel them in my head, like they're all around and I just can't see them. It's this place, A-Cheng, it wants you to suffer like this. Alone, miserable. But we're not going to let that happen. We're not going to let them win.
[ Wei Wuxian is... he is... Jiang Cheng sits through his speech without a word passing his lips though there are little quivers running through him, his face tightening when the wordless screaming in his mind threatens to drown out Wei Wuxian's steadying voice - but he won't permit it, he fights against the screaming for he wants to hear what Wei Wuxian has to say, or at least wants to take in the timbre of his voice even if he isn't sure he can trust his words. But he wants to hear him speak like this one more time, just one more time he wants to listen to Wei Wuxian talk to him as if he cares. He can't let it be drowned out, this what he has right here in front of him, this is everything he has yearned for since...
He laughs bitterly, a broken noise closer to a sob than an actual laugh. ] If only you could have been like this when it still mattered.
[ This Wei Wuxian here, this is one that slips past all his defenses right to the most vulnerable parts of him and doesn't even truly make him feel exposed in the process. This one is steady and firm and calms him effortlessly, catches him when he is spinning wildly and helps him come to a standstill.
It just comes too late. ]
It doesn't matter what happened when Lotus Pier fell [ he whispers numbly, that burst of mad anger burned out for the moment now that Wei Wuxian has calmed the flames and he falls back into a bleakness which he is certain is all his own, he would bet Sandu on it if he were in a betting mood. He looks down at his hands. There is drying blood beneath his nails but he can't see that anymore, he can barely see them at all as shadows amidst shadows, everything is dark, so dark. ] It doesn't matter. [ Another choked laugh bubbles up and the voices in his mind join in with the laughter - they still sound like Wei Wuxian had, that terrible night at Nightless City. Is that when he had stood on a wall and laughed as people died, not at Lotus Pier? He remembers being tied up on the boat. He also remembers half a dozen different ways his parents died right in front of him. But none of that matters. ] It doesn't matter what they want.
[ Alone? Miserable? That's not going to happen? How like Wei Wuxian to promise to unbreak a shattered bowl when its water has already been spilled.
He leans forward, dropping from his crouch onto his knees and reaches for Wei Wuxian, grasping for his shoulders literally blindly. There are tears pouring from his unfocused eyes. ] It doesn't matter, Wei Wuxian. They've already won. They won before we ever came here.
( perhaps he should have noticed sooner, the squinting, the way jiang cheng's eyes go unfocused when he isn't deliberately glaring at something. it all registered to wei ying as part of this prevailing distress he's found the man in, but he realizes now that he was entirely wrong.
because now jiang cheng has dropped to his knees, and though both hands reach for wei wuxian, they do so with no concept whatsoever of how far to reach or where. and that in itself has his eyes burning again, tears trickling out from the corners this time as he wastes precisely no time in scooting across the remaining space between them. jiang cheng might feel knees pressing up to one side of his so they're close enough for wei ying to guide the searching hands to his shoulders, wrapping his own arms up around the man's shoulders to press their foreheads together in a desperate attempt to ground him even in his blindness. )
They haven't won. They haven't. ( even so quiet as his words may be, there's a stubborn sort of ferocity in that. in his refusal to accept defeat, now that they're fighting this place, these technicians, fate itself instead of one another. his next breath tries to hitch and betray him, but he refuses to allow that either, and instead it comes out only barely unsteady. ) There has to be some way to remember this, when I go back. They say that we can't, but they don't know what we're capable of. I'm going to find a way, and then you're-, you're gone to to tell me what it is that I've done to you - ( fuck, his voice just cracked - jiang cheng almost certainly knows he's crying now, not that he's given time to call him on it. ) - and how I've let harm come to Shijie, and I'm going to take that back to our home and... and avoid it, whatever it takes.
( it's not a concrete plan - it's barely even enough to count as a plan at all - but wei ying will figure the details out as they go. he won't accept failure on this one, he can't. )
But first, ( he says, back to that steady calming tone that got him this far already, ) you're going to take that knife and you're going to cut me on my arms. I'll show you where. And you're not going to argue, because you and I both know that Shijie can't come back and find you like this. ( a beat, and his voice drops quieter. ) It's alright. I won't even feel it. ( funny how such a thing would've taken the satisfaction away from wounding him just minutes ago. )
[ Wei Wuxian is back to making promises that Jiang Cheng wants to believe with all his heart and he clings to him as he nods - agreeing to tell not because he believes he can change anything, because he believes him to honor this promise any more than the others, but simply because he needs to cling to the possibility right now just as much as he needs to cling to the man himself. His fingers dig into Wei Wuxian's shoulder blades and their foreheads are pressed together and he is just so close, his embrace so warm that if everything didn't hurt so much, Jiang Cheng could believe the past years have been nothing but another false memory.
How he wishes he could only remember what Wei Wuxian remembers, to be unbothered by pain and guilt.
Before he can even begin to work through these feelings, Wei Wuxian is again speaking of bleeding himself, or of Jiang Cheng bleeding him. He yanks away, shaking his head. ] I won't! [ he snaps, ] I can't do that. Don't you think I've tried? [ It doesn't stop, the blood only gives momentary relief. And besides... His voice quivers but he inhales sharply and forces out the words anyway. ] It won't change anything between us, even if you do this.
( aha. of course it won't change anything. wei ying definitely hadn't fallen headlong into the stupid naive hope that something might have changed already.
fuck it, he's already crying.
he reaches for wherever jiang cheng has set the knife, reclaiming it even if he only intends to hand it over a second time. ) You haven't tried. Not like this. These little cuts, they just soothe it for a few minutes. But you can make it all stop, completely stop. You just need to draw enough blood at one time.
( but he has to address that last part, otherwise jiang cheng will notice, will possibly say something even worse to drive it home, so, ) I'm not doing this so you'll like me. You can curse every last letter of my name, I just. Want you to be okay. ( and this is how to accomplish that.
so he reaches out to wrap fingers around jiang cheng's right wrist, turning it just enough so the angle is write to slip the knife's handle into it. ) If you won't do this for your own stupid self, do it for Shijie.
[ But he doesn't want to curse him and his name! And he wants to like Wei Wuxian. Even after everything that has happened he desperately wants to like him and there is so much of Jiang Cheng which just wants to cling to him and pretend that these last weeks before being kidnapped had been nothing but another terrible false memory to haunt him. He wants to. He just can't.
So he shudders as the tears keep running down his face and his hands are limp in Wei Ying's grasp when he releases him from the embrace - Jiang Cheng has to stifle a moan of agony, he isn't ready to let him go yet - and forces his fingers to clasp around the knife. ]
I... Wei Wuxian... [ Even his protests are feeble now. Feeble and weak and he wishes he could glare at him at least but there is only black now. Only the feeling of Wei Wuxian’s hands guiding his and a little give to tell him the blade has been positioned against flesh. ] I don't want to [ he chokes out between tears. ] I don't want to do this. [ It's too dangerous. But the screaming is so loud and now that the world is fully dark, the memories are brighter.
Again, he watches a black-clad back as the man laughs while Lotus Pier burns to ashes around him - had it ever burned? But it feels so real he is choking on ash! Yanli lies in his arms bleeding out and then black cracks spread over her face and throat and her eyes open again, clawed hands reaching for his face to shred it into pieces at a flute's command...
Jiang Cheng screams and the knife sinks into flesh. ]
if anyone's thread-stalking, cw: semi-self-mutilation??
( as much as jiang cheng resisted the concept, he hardly fights as wei ying positions the knife along the center of his inner forearm just under the crease inside his elbow. 'i don't want to do this,' jiang cheng all but pleads, and wei wuxian hums out a soothing, ) I know, I know you don't, ( but he has to. he knows that just as well as wei ying does.
and all at once, with a desperate cry, jiang cheng does just as he was told. true to his word, wei ying doesn't so much as flinch - he wasn't lying when he said he wouldn't be able to feel it. luckily he has the presence of mind to draw his arm back, to lengthen the cut without forcing a blind and miserable jiang cheng to do it himself. )
Good, ( he says, his voice sounding odd and hollow as he stares at the blood already dripping from the lengthy gash. quickly he follows up with a steadier-sounding, )Good. One left.
( and the hand attached to the wounded arm takes jiang cheng's wrist again - (he dimly notes that his outer two fingers aren't bending as he's telling them to, but that's a problem for later, not for now) - and positions the knife in the same place on his unwounded arm as well. ) That's it, just one more and this should go away. ( not right away, he doesn't think. soon, but not instantly. it just fades and fades until it's gone. that's what he heard. )
[ He shakes his head. ] It won't. It's never going to get better. You can't... [ You can't bring her back, he wants to say, but as the blood flows out of Wei Ying's wound so the screaming and the muddle of emotions is flowing out of Jiang Cheng. Not gone but a little more bearable, enough that he remembers who he is and where and that he had quietly made the decision to himself that he wouldn't tell Wei Wuxian. So he presses his lips together and sniffles miserably. ] It won't. [ His voice is just as small as he feels.
But it isn't over yet, Wei Wuxian is still prodding at him, still demanding and he understands. He has tried cutting himself. There are gashes on his arms and his legs and smaller cuts peppering the rest of his body and the relief has never lasted. Wei Wuxian's sacrifice will be useless if they don’t do it properly. ]
You have always tried to fix everything with blood.
[ He turns unseeing eyes on where the knife is pointed. Slowly pushes down and chokes out another bitter sob laugh - it sounds so much like in these memories, too. ] I should have done this myself already. I should have just let myself bleed out...
( 'you can't' could mean so many things right now - he can't actually fix this, he can't change anything between them, he can't make up for anything he's done - and wei ying doesn't question it. none of the possible meanings matter right now anyway, not compared to finishing this so that all this blood will actually make a difference.
luckily, jiang cheng presses the knife in despite his miserable protests, and again wei wuxian draws his arm back to guide the blade along the right path. he's not looking at it now. that seems like a perfectly good way to get dizzy, and he can't afford that yet, not until he's made it back to his own cabin. )
Stop, ( he scolds - to the words, not the cut. the rebuke has disappeared from his tone when he continues, but it's still firm. ) It's good that you didn't. Now you can clean yourself up and Shijie won't be any the wiser. Just... ( a dry chuckle, ) Keep her away from my cabin for a bit, if you don't mind. A day or two should be fine.
( he has no room to be making requests, he knows, but here comes another. ) Do you have any towels I can bleed on? I'll replace them. ( because he needs to wrap these, at the very least. )
[ Towels he can bleed on? Slowly but steadily, the reality of what he has just done finally sinks in.
Jiang Cheng stares at him in wide-eyed, mute horror in his blinded eyes and slowly shakes his head, then shakes it again more decisively. ] No... [ he breathes out even though he knows at this very moment that it is far too late for regrets. His fingers twitch around the knife. He doesn't need to see it to know the silver blade would be glistening with fresh red blood now, to know that Wei Ying's arms are coated in red, too - just like his own had been but deeper cuts, faster blood flow, everything he had been too cowardly to do. ]
I didn't want you to bleed for me [ he whispers miserably. ] You shouldn't...
[ He cuts himself off, lips pinched and face scrunched up in some weak approximation of his usual scowl. He didn't want it because he doesn't want to owe his sister's murderer, that is the easy explanation - the one he should by all rights fling in Wei Wuxian's face. He doesn't want it because he doesn't want Wei Wuxian to suddenly acknowledge ties that he had cut, just to make himself look the hero - that would be acceptable, too. And yet... He's so tired. So tired of people bleeding and dying and losing everything over and over again. He's just tired. ]
I'll clean up [ he says, forcing his voice into something that almost resembles the tightness that is normal between them nowadays, except there is a tremble that betrays him. ] You don't need to concern yourself with my and my sister's affairs.
( no? no they don't have any towels? it's all wei wuxian can do not to let out an abrupt bark of laughter, because of all the things for jiang cheng to deny him after all that they've just done, towels to bleed on seems so hilariously trivial.
but fine, fine. he won't press. he doesn't know if he has the time to press, his vision is starting to blur just slightly at the edges, each movement he makes threatening to make his head swim.
jiang cheng, for his part, sounds absolutely miserable at what they've done. wei ying wants to fix that too, but he knows where he can help and where he can't. there is no comforting jiang cheng. not for wei wuxian, of all people. instead, he pretends he believes the steeling in the man's tone as he tells him that he'll clean up. 'you don't need to concern yourself with my and my sister's affairs.' )
Of course not, ( he agrees, still too soft, but that's fine - he's standing up now, swaying just barely (good thing jiang cheng can't quite see yet) before finding his balance. ) I'll see myself out. ( and so he does, though not without ducking into the bathroom to steal whichever towel he spots along the way. sorry, whoever was using it. it's going to keep him from bleeding a path the whole way back to his cabin.
and then he's out the door and off into the night. )
[ ...and Jiang Cheng stays behind, listening to his fading footsteps and once more finding himself unable to find the words - or the courage - to make him stay. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
message 1
I hate you
message 2, sent right after
Why?
message 3, right after
I hate you so much you ruin everything you touch every time you say something is important to you you break it and you make promises you don't want to keep and YOU DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU HURT OTHERS do you DO YOU?! I hear it over and over again it's all I see and you don't even look sorry you're just laughing
Is this what you wanted all along? Is this how you punish me?
I hate you Wei Wuxian I wish I had killed you when I had the chance
no subject
but then comes the second, and then comes the rest. this isn't-...
jiang cheng has been angry with him before, furious even. that doesn't sound like this. this is something else entirely. )
Are you at the house?
no subject
no subject
less than a minute later, jiang cheng will hear his front door open and close, footsteps inside. ) Jiang Cheng, ( he barks, striding across the room and to the nearest door - empty room with no signs of life. undeterred, wei wuxian moves to the next door, pushing it open and for the briefest moment stopping short.
the jiang cheng on the floor before him is perhaps what he should have expected from a message like that, but it's still a punch in the center of his chest, and it takes the entirety of his willpower to keep his next exhale steady as he steps inside, dropping to his knees in front of the man who was once his brother (though he leaves a few extra inches of space out of feeble respect for his offer to leave a-cheng be). )
I know, I know - ( he says before jiang cheng can properly figure out how to yell at him. ) This is all my fault, yeah? Which means I'm the one who has to fix it, has to make it stop. I owe you that much.
( as he speaks, he's drawing a knife from his robes which he now offers up handle-first to jiang cheng. please, a-cheng, don't make him put it in your stupid hand by force.
once he's handed off the knife, he traces a line down the inside of each forearm with a fingertip. ) If you cut me - here and then here, it should be enough. Or you can-... ( his lips press together a moment, brow knitting even further for a moment than the focused expression he's had so far. but then it's back to his resolute determination, and - ) Or you can stab me, if you really want. It sounds like I owe you that too, you just... Need to make sure it's bloody enough. Twist it a little, I don't know. ( for what it's worth, he's still offering out his arms in potentially naive belief that jiang cheng wouldn't actually kill him, no matter how angry. )
cw: blood, self-harm
He sure needs a miracle on this night; he can't even tell anymore how many nights it has been now since the rot passed and the voices began whispering to him, by now it is all a blur in his memory. It's always worst at night, by day it is easier to shove them aside and pretend, to look strong for Jiejie, but by night the voices whispering become too loud to pretend he can't hear them and his mind fills with memories which never happened - or so he thinks anyway, maybe. It's getting ever harder to tell apart true and false.
He glares at Wei Wuxian now with eyes red from tears and lack of sleep, squinting as he struggles against the darkness encroaching more with every passing day to aim his glare. His face is waxen, tear-streaked and yet nothing compared to the messy state he rest of him is in. He is cowering on the floor of his bedroom in the farthest corner when Wei Wuxian comes in, a hand pressed against his mouth to keep himself from screaming when it all gets too much again. His exposed arms are crisscrossed with cuts, some several days old and others from tonight, dried and drying blood coats them. Splatches of red on his robes betray that this isn't the only place he has cut himself, though it has been his choice to bleed from tonight when he needs to keep cutting for the dark whispers have become so strong, he can barely endure it for any length of time before he is reaching for a blade again. A blood-streaked Sandu lays on the floor, obviously thrown away in a fit of frustrated anger.
He stares at Wei Wuxian now, bares his teeth at him when he approaches and forces the knife on him, tells him what to do as if he has any right to, as if he still cares, as if he... ]
Don't! [ he snarls, only the fear of Yanli walking in to this keeping his voice low. ] I don't want you here! [ His fingers tighten around the knife anyway but not to bleed Wei Wuxian properly as he is offering oh so generously, as if some blood could buy forgiveness, as if that would change anything. His hand swipes for Wei Wuxian in a wide arc but it's not the blade that connects with Wei Wuxian's offered body, instead, Zidian lights up at his hand and the purple whip streaks out to meet his chest. ]
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the snarling, he expects. the knife he even expects, but what comes instead is zidian and it sends him tumbling back across the floor, knocking the breath from his lungs for the second time in as many minutes. jiang cheng should be able to feel at least the slightest relief in the chaos in his head that comes along with the act of drawing blood. but wei wuxian is back upright in an impressively short amount of time, hands feeling at the front of his robes to find brand new slices in the fabric, blood welling up along the edges. he neither flinched from the initial strike nor now from prodding the wounds, uncharacteristic of him and perhaps a sign that something might not be entirely right with him either, were jiang cheng in a state to care about such things. he probably isn't, which is better, really.
it'll be much harder to convince jiang cheng to wound him if he knows that wei wuxian won't even feel it.
but the blood isn't nearly what it could have been - it's not even quite as bloody as when he was whipped by madam yu, and he had his golden core then. his hand falls away from the wound, landing on the floor to scoot him back in front of jiang cheng and thrust out his arm again. ) That's not enough. You know it's not. You regret not killing me and now you won't even cut me? Jiang Cheng.
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Still weak whispers the voice that sounds so much like an even more malevolent, hissing, twisted version of that Wei Wuxian who had come to kill them all at Nightless City. It laughs and that laugh too reminds him of Wei Wuxian - it had been the laughter that first led him to make the connection, though this voice gave voice to so many fears Jiang Cheng himself had.
He forces his eyes wide open, forces himself to make out Wei Wuxian in the darkness lit only by Zidian's purple light, its length now on the floor. Not that dark or light makes much difference now and if his eyesight keeps worsening, soon it won't make any difference at all. Jiang Cheng shakes his head and wraps his arms around his legs, drawn close to his chest. ] Just go away. Leave me. It's what you do best.
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and he's nonetheless braced for that very thing: a follow-up strike, this one no doubt breaking bones (he's lucky the first one didn't, it's not a weapon meant to be used on one without a golden core). but instead, jiang cheng curls in on himself. tries again to drive wei wuxian away, but it sounds that little bit more like pleading now and wei wuxian only scoots the slightest bit closer. )
I never wanted to do that. ( ...those weren't the words he meant to say. this isn't about him, and he can't let himself get sucked into fighting about this when what really needs to happen is jiang cheng properly making him bleed. and yet, ) I-... People were going to die, people who hadn't hurt anyone in their lives. I'm not more important than their lives. What I want isn't more important than their lives. ( he shakes his head a little. ) And I-, I don't know what it is that I do once I go back there, the thing that made you hate me, but I haven't done it yet. I haven't. And you can hate me for it any other time, I don't care, I deserve that, but -
( fuck - his throat's closing up a little, eyes burning. they wouldn't be if he could stand to look away, if he didn't have to see what a bloody miserable mess has become of the man who was once his brother, but his gaze nonetheless stays trained on the man huddled before him.
shaky hands lift, fingertips finding jiang cheng's arms with the lightest of touch. )
I have to fix this. ( his voice is different now - despite his best efforts, it's quieter, more raw, more vulnerable. ) A-Cheng, please, I can't leave you like this. I can't, I have to - ( his throat closes around the words, and he swallows hard, shaking his head almost helplessly. pleading, at barely above a whisper: ) I haven't even done it yet.
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[ What exactly has he done? Jiang Cheng remembers - but Jiang Cheng remembers so many things now and it is getting harder to figure out which one of these is real the more versions of each tragedy are haunting him. Wei Wuxian has cost him everything, this is the one truth that always remains. It is always a figure in black, swathed in dark smoke surrounding him like something that has come alive with a mind of its own, that brings death.
Jiang Cheng shakes his head. A bitter laugh bubbles up in him. ] You have always cared for everyone. Wei Wuxian, the fearless hero. He is so selfless. He protects every stranger. [ His lips curl into a sneer and as he thinks of this, the screaming in his head grows louder, darker, and anger bubbles up so strong that he feels like he is going to choke on it. ] He even protects his enemies. And yet he leaves his loved ones to die. [ A flash of memory - real? false? he can't tell anymore - of the man in black laughing as bodies are piled up in Lotus Pier, he is standing on the roof and laughing as he looks down on it, laughing in the moment that Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan are killed... In his room at the boathouse, Jiang Cheng snarls and Zidian crackles at his finger. ] You laughed when my parents died! You were laughing as they were stabbed! Spitting on their corpses! You always hated my mother! You were glad to see her die, weren't you! Confess it! Confess it, I can see it now!
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no - he can't pay them any attention. it's something he and the voices have in common: pay them even an ounce of attention and you'll never hear the end of it.
when he opens his eyes again, he finds that the breath has indeed chased the desperate pleading away, though he feels it lingering just below the surface. it nonetheless leaves him room to say, ) Jiang Cheng. ( quiet, firm, hopefully steadying. ) I was with you when they died, you and Shijie. We were tied with Zidian, floating down the lake - you need to remember. ( not for wei wuxian's sake, but for his own. for the sake of his sanity at this point, even just in this moment. ) By the time we got free, you and I went back and we-... They were already-... ( dead. they were already dead. it feels callous to even say it, when the man before him is so raw about it, so he leaves it unsaid. ) And... then you took off into the woods, and I chased after you. We argued, cried, ended up sleeping out there in a field.
( as for madam yu, his brow furrows a moment, because - ) Madam Yu... hated me. I'm not going to pretend she didn't. But she loved you, you and Shijie, in her own pissed-off way - she loved you enough to tear down mountains if they got in your way. And so did I, so I always kind of thought to myself that we were on the same team, even if she never realized it. And even though she blamed me for everything, all of it, she still trusted me to protect you. And I-, I haven't done that, not like I should have. Everything's so complicated now.
( they never talked about madam yu, did they? of course they didn't. they never talked about anything, not really. not like they should have. it's so easy to see, in retrospect.
his voice drops quieter. ) I hear them, too. Feel them in my head, like they're all around and I just can't see them. It's this place, A-Cheng, it wants you to suffer like this. Alone, miserable. But we're not going to let that happen. We're not going to let them win.
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He laughs bitterly, a broken noise closer to a sob than an actual laugh. ] If only you could have been like this when it still mattered.
[ This Wei Wuxian here, this is one that slips past all his defenses right to the most vulnerable parts of him and doesn't even truly make him feel exposed in the process. This one is steady and firm and calms him effortlessly, catches him when he is spinning wildly and helps him come to a standstill.
It just comes too late. ]
It doesn't matter what happened when Lotus Pier fell [ he whispers numbly, that burst of mad anger burned out for the moment now that Wei Wuxian has calmed the flames and he falls back into a bleakness which he is certain is all his own, he would bet Sandu on it if he were in a betting mood. He looks down at his hands. There is drying blood beneath his nails but he can't see that anymore, he can barely see them at all as shadows amidst shadows, everything is dark, so dark. ] It doesn't matter. [ Another choked laugh bubbles up and the voices in his mind join in with the laughter - they still sound like Wei Wuxian had, that terrible night at Nightless City. Is that when he had stood on a wall and laughed as people died, not at Lotus Pier? He remembers being tied up on the boat. He also remembers half a dozen different ways his parents died right in front of him. But none of that matters. ] It doesn't matter what they want.
[ Alone? Miserable? That's not going to happen? How like Wei Wuxian to promise to unbreak a shattered bowl when its water has already been spilled.
He leans forward, dropping from his crouch onto his knees and reaches for Wei Wuxian, grasping for his shoulders literally blindly. There are tears pouring from his unfocused eyes. ] It doesn't matter, Wei Wuxian. They've already won. They won before we ever came here.
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because now jiang cheng has dropped to his knees, and though both hands reach for wei wuxian, they do so with no concept whatsoever of how far to reach or where. and that in itself has his eyes burning again, tears trickling out from the corners this time as he wastes precisely no time in scooting across the remaining space between them. jiang cheng might feel knees pressing up to one side of his so they're close enough for wei ying to guide the searching hands to his shoulders, wrapping his own arms up around the man's shoulders to press their foreheads together in a desperate attempt to ground him even in his blindness. )
They haven't won. They haven't. ( even so quiet as his words may be, there's a stubborn sort of ferocity in that. in his refusal to accept defeat, now that they're fighting this place, these technicians, fate itself instead of one another. his next breath tries to hitch and betray him, but he refuses to allow that either, and instead it comes out only barely unsteady. ) There has to be some way to remember this, when I go back. They say that we can't, but they don't know what we're capable of. I'm going to find a way, and then you're-, you're gone to to tell me what it is that I've done to you - ( fuck, his voice just cracked - jiang cheng almost certainly knows he's crying now, not that he's given time to call him on it. ) - and how I've let harm come to Shijie, and I'm going to take that back to our home and... and avoid it, whatever it takes.
( it's not a concrete plan - it's barely even enough to count as a plan at all - but wei ying will figure the details out as they go. he won't accept failure on this one, he can't. )
But first, ( he says, back to that steady calming tone that got him this far already, ) you're going to take that knife and you're going to cut me on my arms. I'll show you where. And you're not going to argue, because you and I both know that Shijie can't come back and find you like this. ( a beat, and his voice drops quieter. ) It's alright. I won't even feel it. ( funny how such a thing would've taken the satisfaction away from wounding him just minutes ago. )
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How he wishes he could only remember what Wei Wuxian remembers, to be unbothered by pain and guilt.
Before he can even begin to work through these feelings, Wei Wuxian is again speaking of bleeding himself, or of Jiang Cheng bleeding him. He yanks away, shaking his head. ] I won't! [ he snaps, ] I can't do that. Don't you think I've tried? [ It doesn't stop, the blood only gives momentary relief. And besides... His voice quivers but he inhales sharply and forces out the words anyway. ] It won't change anything between us, even if you do this.
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fuck it, he's already crying.
he reaches for wherever jiang cheng has set the knife, reclaiming it even if he only intends to hand it over a second time. ) You haven't tried. Not like this. These little cuts, they just soothe it for a few minutes. But you can make it all stop, completely stop. You just need to draw enough blood at one time.
( but he has to address that last part, otherwise jiang cheng will notice, will possibly say something even worse to drive it home, so, ) I'm not doing this so you'll like me. You can curse every last letter of my name, I just. Want you to be okay. ( and this is how to accomplish that.
so he reaches out to wrap fingers around jiang cheng's right wrist, turning it just enough so the angle is write to slip the knife's handle into it. ) If you won't do this for your own stupid self, do it for Shijie.
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So he shudders as the tears keep running down his face and his hands are limp in Wei Ying's grasp when he releases him from the embrace - Jiang Cheng has to stifle a moan of agony, he isn't ready to let him go yet - and forces his fingers to clasp around the knife. ]
I... Wei Wuxian... [ Even his protests are feeble now. Feeble and weak and he wishes he could glare at him at least but there is only black now. Only the feeling of Wei Wuxian’s hands guiding his and a little give to tell him the blade has been positioned against flesh. ] I don't want to [ he chokes out between tears. ] I don't want to do this. [ It's too dangerous. But the screaming is so loud and now that the world is fully dark, the memories are brighter.
Again, he watches a black-clad back as the man laughs while Lotus Pier burns to ashes around him - had it ever burned? But it feels so real he is choking on ash! Yanli lies in his arms bleeding out and then black cracks spread over her face and throat and her eyes open again, clawed hands reaching for his face to shred it into pieces at a flute's command...
Jiang Cheng screams and the knife sinks into flesh. ]
if anyone's thread-stalking, cw: semi-self-mutilation??
and all at once, with a desperate cry, jiang cheng does just as he was told. true to his word, wei ying doesn't so much as flinch - he wasn't lying when he said he wouldn't be able to feel it. luckily he has the presence of mind to draw his arm back, to lengthen the cut without forcing a blind and miserable jiang cheng to do it himself. )
Good, ( he says, his voice sounding odd and hollow as he stares at the blood already dripping from the lengthy gash. quickly he follows up with a steadier-sounding, ) Good. One left.
( and the hand attached to the wounded arm takes jiang cheng's wrist again - (he dimly notes that his outer two fingers aren't bending as he's telling them to, but that's a problem for later, not for now) - and positions the knife in the same place on his unwounded arm as well. ) That's it, just one more and this should go away. ( not right away, he doesn't think. soon, but not instantly. it just fades and fades until it's gone. that's what he heard. )
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But it isn't over yet, Wei Wuxian is still prodding at him, still demanding and he understands. He has tried cutting himself. There are gashes on his arms and his legs and smaller cuts peppering the rest of his body and the relief has never lasted. Wei Wuxian's sacrifice will be useless if they don’t do it properly. ]
You have always tried to fix everything with blood.
[ He turns unseeing eyes on where the knife is pointed. Slowly pushes down and chokes out another bitter sob laugh - it sounds so much like in these memories, too. ] I should have done this myself already. I should have just let myself bleed out...
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luckily, jiang cheng presses the knife in despite his miserable protests, and again wei wuxian draws his arm back to guide the blade along the right path. he's not looking at it now. that seems like a perfectly good way to get dizzy, and he can't afford that yet, not until he's made it back to his own cabin. )
Stop, ( he scolds - to the words, not the cut. the rebuke has disappeared from his tone when he continues, but it's still firm. ) It's good that you didn't. Now you can clean yourself up and Shijie won't be any the wiser. Just... ( a dry chuckle, ) Keep her away from my cabin for a bit, if you don't mind. A day or two should be fine.
( he has no room to be making requests, he knows, but here comes another. ) Do you have any towels I can bleed on? I'll replace them. ( because he needs to wrap these, at the very least. )
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Jiang Cheng stares at him in wide-eyed, mute horror in his blinded eyes and slowly shakes his head, then shakes it again more decisively. ] No... [ he breathes out even though he knows at this very moment that it is far too late for regrets. His fingers twitch around the knife. He doesn't need to see it to know the silver blade would be glistening with fresh red blood now, to know that Wei Ying's arms are coated in red, too - just like his own had been but deeper cuts, faster blood flow, everything he had been too cowardly to do. ]
I didn't want you to bleed for me [ he whispers miserably. ] You shouldn't...
[ He cuts himself off, lips pinched and face scrunched up in some weak approximation of his usual scowl. He didn't want it because he doesn't want to owe his sister's murderer, that is the easy explanation - the one he should by all rights fling in Wei Wuxian's face. He doesn't want it because he doesn't want Wei Wuxian to suddenly acknowledge ties that he had cut, just to make himself look the hero - that would be acceptable, too. And yet... He's so tired. So tired of people bleeding and dying and losing everything over and over again. He's just tired. ]
I'll clean up [ he says, forcing his voice into something that almost resembles the tightness that is normal between them nowadays, except there is a tremble that betrays him. ] You don't need to concern yourself with my and my sister's affairs.
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but fine, fine. he won't press. he doesn't know if he has the time to press, his vision is starting to blur just slightly at the edges, each movement he makes threatening to make his head swim.
jiang cheng, for his part, sounds absolutely miserable at what they've done. wei ying wants to fix that too, but he knows where he can help and where he can't. there is no comforting jiang cheng. not for wei wuxian, of all people. instead, he pretends he believes the steeling in the man's tone as he tells him that he'll clean up. 'you don't need to concern yourself with my and my sister's affairs.' )
Of course not, ( he agrees, still too soft, but that's fine - he's standing up now, swaying just barely (good thing jiang cheng can't quite see yet) before finding his balance. ) I'll see myself out. ( and so he does, though not without ducking into the bathroom to steal whichever towel he spots along the way. sorry, whoever was using it. it's going to keep him from bleeding a path the whole way back to his cabin.
and then he's out the door and off into the night. )
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