❰ a panic rises in her chest before she puts the phone down and breathes deeply for a few moments. before, it was vague enough to not be about his past memories. what a fool she was. maybe her brother is talking about another incident, but that's also foolish to think. she has to decide whether or not she can let this particular cat out of the bag. letting it out might destroy her all over again. ❱
a-xian. you know that as your elder sister, i promised i would never truly leave you and that i would always take care of you.
how can you ask me why i was there when there was no other place in that moment i should have been?
( only seconds after reading her response does it click to him - she remembers. she isn't supposed to remember. he's made a grave mistake in acting as though she did when she didn't, but she does. how long has she known?? how long has she known and he was in the dark, about the future and about the fact that she knew something so absolutely devastating? he hasn't been there for her. gods, he hasn't been there for anyone, but not being there for jiang yanli is perhaps the most inexcusable of it all.
there's a long pause on his end, in no small part because his eyes have blurred a bit too strongly to see to write back. then, finally, )
❰ there's a buzz across her skin at the admittance. it feels semi-freeing to finally acknowledge the return of her memories, but also...dangerous. facing reality all over again. but this will be another secret she'll share with wei wuxian, whether or not he stays as silent about his own circumstance ❱
( dead. she's dead. whether or not she's here and alive doesn't change the fact that now she can't go back. she'll never again get to live free of the puppeteering of these technicians, this borrowed life away from her husband and her son. and he's the one who stole that from her. )
and acheng hates me and i can't stand it. none of it was supposed to be like this
❰ what is done is done. she herself made a certain choice that brought upon her own demise. in her mind, pulling at the thread and following it backwards to cast blame on this decision and that one...the entire would would be at fault for everything.
and what does it matter now, now that they are all alive, all sentient and able to start anew? ❱
nothing here is ruined, a-xian. what has happened in a world outside of this one
does it really impact what and who we are, in this moment?
we have been given a blessed opportunity. to be together again and alive. a-cheng may harbor some feelings of resentment for past actions, but he too should look at what a gift we have been given.
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i was the only one who was
why were you there?? why did you even come, why did you have to be there
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a-xian. you know that as your elder sister, i promised i would never truly leave you and that i would always take care of you.
how can you ask me why i was there when there was no other place in that moment i should have been?
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there's a long pause on his end, in no small part because his eyes have blurred a bit too strongly to see to write back. then, finally, )
i don't know how to fix it
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what do you think there is to fix?
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i ruined everything and now you're
( dead. she's dead. whether or not she's here and alive doesn't change the fact that now she can't go back. she'll never again get to live free of the puppeteering of these technicians, this borrowed life away from her husband and her son. and he's the one who stole that from her. )
and acheng hates me and i can't stand it. none of it was supposed to be like this
no subject
and what does it matter now, now that they are all alive, all sentient and able to start anew? ❱
nothing here is ruined, a-xian. what has happened in a world outside of this one
does it really impact what and who we are, in this moment?
we have been given a blessed opportunity. to be together again and alive. a-cheng may harbor some feelings of resentment for past actions, but he too should look at what a gift we have been given.